God is weaving the tapestry of life and using everything!

Dear children; With motherly perseverance and love I am bringing you the light of life to destroy the darkness of death in you. Do not reject me, my children. Stop and look within yourselves and see how sinful you are. Be aware of your sins and pray for forgiveness. My children, you do not desire to accept that you are weak and little, but you can be strong and great by doing God’s will. Give me your cleansed hearts that I may illuminate them with the light of life, my Son. Thank you.
Medjugorje message, November 2, 2010

I copied this utterly inspiring message from this blog. I am amazed at how pertinent this is to my life right now, in this very moment. I had my first day -- ever-- of physical therapy today and am really looking forward to working with Linnet, a young and capable woman, who has a plan to help me help myself to strengthen my body, especially my lower back. This commitment to physical therapy is itself the fruit of almost two years of monthly spiritual direction, one of the many gifts of my life in Regnum Christi.

I try hard to live a life filled with apostolic zeal and the daily perseverance required to live well (see Despite Lupus blog -- so good!) with a chronic illness is the same daily perseverance needed to pray well. I often do neither well. (I blog to reflect and to take time to count my blessings.) In my younger days, I was such a talker and loved to "think out loud," with a good friend. These days, I nearly crave silence, and I find that writing helps me get my thoughts out. I can put words to concerns and blessings. I can try to complain less and live more. I can stop and love the rich tapestry of life, even if my particular tapestry has lots of frayed spots!

I, by temperament (sanguine), am not one who likes to plan. I find it boring and would rather "fly by the seat of my pants". All my duties require flexibility, prudent spontaneity and, yes, lots of planning. Through the eyes and ears of faith, it is abundantly clear to me that I "cannot always get what I want but I just might find that I get what I need". I want to encourage myself and others to "work against themselves," meaning to dig hard and learn what it is that personally impedes LOVE. Through almost 10 years of living with "something like Lupus," I have found that I do not have to say "yes" to all the (perceived) needs and activities around me --that sounds anti-Gospel but HOLD ON...

I must say "yes" to Christ, "yes" to time in prayer, "yes" to interruptions and to duties, "yes" to a daily rhythm that leaves a calm and smiling face on this constantly tired and achy woman and "yes" to laughter and to tears. "Yes," my Lord, "yes," my Mother, I will stop and garner strength from the Holy Spirit, so that I am not sinking in to my lower nature, sinking in to the sin that potentially separates me from who God has created me to be. For me, making the commitment to Regnum Christi was a means to deepen my practice of the Catholic Faith. Living in the "ever ancient, ever fresh" daily routine of prayer and penance is to continually feel the providential hand of the most perfect and loving Blessed Trinity, Who has the answers to all the questions, even those questions that we do not, as yet, know exactly how to formulate.

God makes no mistakes. We are perfectly capable, in any and all circumstances, to be a conduit for His Love and His most glorious salvation. This makes even a tired person smile. I cannot express properly how humiliating life with chronic illness can be; at the same time, it is a great blessing to be able to stop and offer all of the physical and psychological pain for my own salvation and the salvation of others, as if it were a lovely pearl. This is the gift of suffering -- it is a time to open up, to share with those around you that THIS IS NOT ALL THERE IS. We are pilgrims. We are going somewhere and all of these exercises are preparations to draw us closer and closer to Him who is LOVE.

I have a dear friend who I have not seen in too long, and she used to tell me that God "wastes nothing and weaves everything!" (maybe from St. Paul?) It is so true. We ought to pause often throughout the day and think of Heaven. Heaven is, in some ways, as near as the beating of our hearts. Heaven is always challenging us to change -- to be better, holier and happier.

Our Lady, Queen of Peace, pray for us!

Let's work hard against contempt, let's adore Him, let's love...

"We can only learn to know ourselves and do what we can -- namely, surrender our will and fulfill God's will in us." --St. Teresa of Avila

I have a few quiet moments and am thinking about how fast the rest of the year will go by...and, I want to bring a grateful heart to each day, not worrying if I "get everything done". I am a "worry wart," as they used to call my grandpa (my dad's dad). It is important for me to stop and see the big picture, to stop and adore our Eucharistic Lord, even when I am not directly in front of the Blessed Sacrament. He, the Prince of Peace is, so very mysteriously, living inside of me and, as a beautiful song goes, "He is the air I breathe..."

We are all called to be living tabernacles. I love this thought and know that the Incarnation made this all possible. No wonder so many love Christmas. The miracle of Christmas is the gift of Mother Church. Christ came as a baby and would become even smaller in the Sacred Host (think of that!). As a convert, I am still learning and renewing, via His sacramental graces, my knowledge of the truths of the Faith. We know that Purgatory is the "Church Suffering" and that we, pilgrims on earth, are the "Church Militant" and that all persons are created to journey in faith, hope and love to our ultimate destiny of utter refuge, known to Catholics as the "Church Triumphant."

Heaven is the goal. It is the place to which we run. I was talking to some of the members of my Regnum Christ small prayer group (know as our "Encounters with Christ")about the idea that Heaven will be, for me, a place not of rest, as we tend to think of it. As a disabled person, I like to think of Heaven as a place where we are always free to move, free to act with verve and full-blown energy to love perfectly all the time. Come to think of it, that would be eternal rest because we would "rest" in the peace of a fully certain conscience, meaning that our hearts would be utterly pure. We would be unencumbered by our mental, emotional and physical disabilities. Living fully in the embrace of the Blessed Mother gazing in complete communion with the Blessed Trinity, we would be one act of pure love all of the time -- Heaven!!!

I know it is not a sin to be tired, but, as I am so tired so much of the time, I am blessed, if you will, to think, from time to time, of all the good works that I could initiate, if I were to have more energy. Alas, nothing is wasted! What I mean by that is that we can pray with all of our might for souls. We can offer everything up to Him who is Love. And, we must do what we can when we can to inspire and encourage ourselves and others.

We can offer each and every aspect of our daily lives for the salvation of souls, beginning first with our own. A related item I have been pondering is the fact that we must work and pray very hard not to be contemptuous of our own failings or those of others. Our Lord warns us of the only "unforgivable sin" being (all) that which opposes the Holy Spirit (do not quench the Spirit!). God never fails to forgive. We condemn ourselves. We know this. When we make our morning offering and ask for the special intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary and the mercy of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, we must do so humbly and in full recognition of our potential for contempt, of ourselves and of others.

I just looked up contempt and you may be given a bit of a jolt --it is from the Latin contemnere, meaning to despise. Wow! Contempt is "an attitude to something (or someone, I add) which one despises as worthless, insignificant or vile; total disregard." (Webster's)

I believe this is key to understanding the internal persecutions of Mother Church. When any human person is deemed worthless (which can happen internally or externally, or both), then the demons leap in to the situation. When an idea that is good, truthful and beautiful is distorted, then the same occurs. The godly practices of celibacy for the Kingdom, worship of the Blessed Sacrament, family prayer, parish renewal, true friendship, authentic love, filial obedience to Mother Church -- there are so many more -- when these are held in contempt, watch out!

But first, return every hour of every day to the Lord with your whole heart. Ask our Lady to be your mother, to guide you, pray with you and for you. Ask for prayers from the holy souls and pray for them (then you will have "friends in high places," as I tell the kids). Here is a good link on Purgatory.

The one, sure prophetic word of God is to love. Spending time in front of the Blessed Sacrament will increase your capacity to love, of this I am sure for I have experienced it in my own life. I know it to be true both from doctrine and from experience. Both are good and sound. Only magisterial doctrine is constant, but it must be experienced to be transmitted, so that we may evangelize the world.

Is it possible that the teaching can be more sound, more constant, than the teacher? I am speaking of apostles, not our Lord Himself, of course. He mysteriously acts through clay pots. I have more cracks than most! I do know that true and real devotion to our Blessed Mother includes an ardent desire to free the holy souls from Purgatory.

Holy Souls in Purgatory, pray for us! I pray that the holy souls know that we care, that they do have us to pray for them and that they will help us love ourselves as children of the Most High God the Father and that they will help us love others as our Savior has loved us! Amen

St. Teresa of Avila (my Confirmation saint), pray for all inhabitants of this good earth!

Food that heal -- a good list

This post has some titles I should get from the library first.

When the going gets tough, the tough (husbands) do laundry...

...so, I took a nosedive this weekend, probably with a touch of flu. My husband's response was to wash everything in the house - I thought he was going to throw me in the washing machine. Come to think of it, that might iron out my kinks!

This book looks so good. Books do to me what gourmet food does to some. Over the years, dealing with lupus-like rheumatism, I really dislike intensely the demand of a clunky body to lay low. I was telling a dear friend that I think I get a little comfort from Heaven when I "hear" in my prayers and thoughts that "giving in is not giving up." I know it must be harder than hard to live with me. The flakiness of it all is enough to drive you mad.

My husband and I both have a good percentage choleric in our God-given temperaments, and the lack of control that chronic illness hoists upon us is difficult to manage.

Well, enough... and, may I be more grateful for the husband God has given me. He would not like for me to call him a saint, so I'll just tell him that I am his path to Heaven.

Zinc melts really boost the immune system!

I have a rheumatic condition, which is really a "constellation of ailments," including fibromyalgia, erratic immune function and migraine. Our rheumatologist labeled me as MCTD ("Mixed Connective Tissue Disease") which I laughingly dubbed WOTD ("Worn-Out Tissue Disease"--we all get there some day, maybe it's better sooner than later...) Well, anyway, my hubby brought home a nasty cold last Friday, and he and I both took sublingual zinc tablets -- I bought them at Walgreens: they are called zinc cold therapy "QUICK MELTS" -- and, they work!

I experienced a complete endocrine meltdown in 2001-2002 -- I was hypothyroid to a deadly level , with complete adrenal insufficieny.... not a good combination... and... it felt even worse than it sounds.

While I believe whole foods, in general, pack better, and more sustained, nutrition than vitamin pills and powders. Certain pills and powders work better than others, like these zinc melts, and also Peter Gillhams' various magnesium products.

Learning to abandon ourselves "into his arms," like Paco...

A Prayer Request
I have been struggling with how to increase my prayers for two dear women, both wives and mothers, who are so ill --one with cancer, the other with MS. Both of these sisters in Christ are also homeschooling moms, and, at different times in our hschooling journey, were such sources of inspiration, strength and faith. I ask the Lord for pardon and peace for myself, and for grace, strength and healing for these dear mothers. I ask Mary's intercession, for her to pray for these families and their friends to be her Son's loving arms, His loving Heart.

Suffering Saves Souls
My husband, children, extended family and many friends went through a health crisis with me, with so many of its attendant hardships and struggles, from 2001-2005. In some ways, we are still feeling the aftershocks. I know in my head that, when our sufferings are offered to our Savior, He, in a mysterious way, allows us to help Him save souls. I also know, more in my heart, that our Lord gave us His Most Blessed Virgin Mother, to buoy us up in our darkest hours. Mary was there for me and my family in a way that I am just beginning to be able to articulate.

Inspiring Story

Yesterday morning, I was glacing at the article below and found a clue as to how we must unite our suffering with the salvation of souls, beginning with the pruning that happens to us personally. My friend Rachel gave me the audiobook on CD of the very popular novel, The Shack, yesterday; and, she was commenting on how the author of this book answers the perennial question most ask who lack faith, "How can God stand by and watch so much evil?" Some even take this further, and ask, "There must be no God for such evil to run rampant; God would stop it, right?"

Here is Paco's story.

Keeping the Home Fires Burning

Sickness has come to visit; and we've decided to welcome him in. Did the "flu snorts" work? I think so. Usually, I am laid out for at least 2 or 3 days. Sunday was bad for me. It felt like the flu, but, mercifully, I was up and about the next day. M and Dad did not get it too bad. JB is like me and experienced near total collapse, yesterday. Little man, so far, is the only one not to get acquainted with the visitor that we've decided to welcome. This is from my Magnificat, "Prayer for the Morning," Jesus said: I am the gate. Whoever enters through me will be saved, and will come in and go out and find pasture. (cf. Jn 10:9)

Thank you for continuing to heal me, Lord!

Healing is seldom as straightforward as some would have it seem. Here is a lovely depiction of the thankful leper of today's Gospel. I am drawn to it because it expresses a grateful humility. I want to try harder to be more prayerful, quieter and more humble. I pay alot of lip service to redemptive suffering, and am living proof that it is hard to really, truly offer up our sufferings for the salvation of souls. These words of our Lord, from Luke 17, are medicine to our world-weary souls:

Stand up and go; your faith has saved you.

Stress and Swelling and Shortness-of-breath, oh my!

Often in the course of my lupus-like condition, I have thought of the moment in the film The Wizard of Oz, when they fear they are lost and that reality is pressing, is closing in around them. For anyone who suffers a recurrent, inflammatory condition, like asthma, ra, fibro, lupo, etc..., the world shrinks, the body closes in and all's you can do is slow down and wait to get out of the dark, scary forest. Well, as I was telling some of my dear sisters in Christ today, for the most part, I offer it up and keep it between me and my loving Savior and His Holy Mother....that way I receive the privilege of helping Jesus and Mary save souls. I do not believe I deserve such a privilege. It makes the ills of the body more than bearable. "Redemptive suffering" is a blessing beyond description. I know this, though my feelings may be fickle. So, Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my!

A picture book for all ages -- The Happy Rain.

The Happy Rain (click here for link) was such a good read. It is a picture book for all ages, especially those who like a good laugh! It is written by Jack Sendak and illustrated by Maurice Sendak (Where the Wild Things Are was a favorite of mine: I read it to J last week.) Highlights: While the flowering trees and shrubs, our pink tulips and the tender lime green shoots of the deciduous trees are easy on the eyes, it has been overcast and chilly here. Good time for clutter removal. We had our house enthroned to the Sacred Heart of Jesus and the Immaculate Heart of Mary last Thursday -- very solemn and fun and beautiful -- the quintessential "both/and" of Catholicism (that's for you, Rach...). What else? Lots of playtime with friends. First dance class for JB. First "Mud class" for J; he made a squirrel which we'll see, after firing, next Thursday. Oh! and, last Friday, Mom and friend, Lisa, had a needed MNO. Some of my friends know that I really like Holly Pierlot's book A Mother's Rule of Life. I should write a rule of life for disabled ("differently abled," if you like, which I do!) moms. Christianity really covers all the bases. If I just show up for the practice of my faith, I am amazed at how creative we can be in getting the really important things done. My prolonged illness and subsequent disability has taught me, and still teaches me at every turn, how important it is to reach out for support and encouragement. And, of course, to be a source of support and encouragement. M took the above photo with her phone at J's 1st "Mud" class. A blessed Eastertide to us all!

My bottom is dragging -- quite literally!

OK, all you moms know that "carrying the baby between the knees" feeling later on in pregnancy. That is very similar to what goes on with my achin' hips. I feel like I am being dragged downward, from my pelvis to the floor, and my lower back hurts. I am so very grateful to whoever invented aspirin, because it sure helps. So does sitting down. The problem is that I am in no mood for sitting, as I have so much to do here at home in the way of housework and organizing. There is something about Lent that makes you want to get ready, just like an expecting mother nests. Our beautiful faith is all about wiping the slate clean. We welcome the new and enjoy freshening the old and tired.

While I wish I had my vigorous skeleton and muscles back, I know God knows what He is about. There are times when I find my disability enraging. And, honestly, I am the "passive aggressive" type so that rage manifests itself in a manner symptomatic of types of depression. It is a depression. After I catch a cold or flu, I notice how slow my mental processes are, how achy my joints and how bad my overall attitude is. I have up on my bulletin board this Scripture to look at when I am feeling low: For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7

...the lure of self-sufficiency...

While reading the "Prayer for the Morning" in Magnificat, I was further awakened by the last petition of the intercessions: deliver us from the lure of self-sufficiency, we pray. How do we consciously work on that one, many might ask? In my own experience, it was life-threatening illness and continued disability, upon the delivery of our third child, that really brought this message home to me. I, like so many of us, had my day timer, my babysitter, my tennis lessons and shopping trips, my ladies' Bible study, my cooking, reading of cookbooks and various glossy magazines, my new minivan, my day trips with kids and friends, my parish activities, my playgroups, my ability to rush around and pack in fun and work and play. All this comes to a screeching halt when someone falls seriously ill. It is not so much missed (though that is very true) as it is impossible to pull off.

Now my days are slower. Not as slow as those years of illness from 2001-2004 (2005-2006 was hard, but much better). I saw specialists in medicine that I did not even know existed. It has been years since I've had to fill a prescription for myself, Praise God for that! I still have rheumatism, accompanied by some disability; but, for the most part, I am back in the saddle. This morning's petition reminded me to not be lured back to the making of myself as a god. This is really a challenge for me as I am a sanguine temperament and love to be out and about with friends. I enjoy stirring up ideas, but not so much following through with them.

Lord Jesus, during this extra-long Lent, please stir my heart toward You and Your Divine Will for me and my family. When I yearn for the pleasures of this good earth, help me to moderate them with the even greater joy of being your loving servant. Amen.

Surprise blessings

I think everyone struggles with how to balance planning/scheduling and being open to the surprise blessings God has in store for us. My arthritis does not permit us to sign up for 1,001 activities, so, it is often the case that I am "winging it". Older people and people with disabilities often know the pleasure of seeing each day as a gift. Of course, this is a generalization, but we, in the above category, tend to not get too attached to human planning. This is a good thing as it allows us to pray more and be open to what the Holy Spirit wills to bring us. I do make plans, set goals, and, like everyone, I love it when things run smoothly, and good plans stay on course. My big "ah-ha" is that this happens only through prayer. Our plans are carried off when they are a response to God in prayer.

When I get around to figuring out how to post photos on this blog, I will post some photos from our outings with Father James, our new friend. He is a dedicated priest who lives in loving service to our Lord. He is travelling, for the first time, away from his country of birth, Ghana. What a blessing he is to our family!

Thank you Mother Mary for your gentle guidance, your loving embrace and your power to encourage us in prayer. Often, sweet and holy Mother, we do not ask for enough. Help us to be at peace with our commitments, knowing that you will go to your Son, who is God, and He will give us grace sufficient for the tasks at hand. In Christ name, I pray, Amen.

As Many As Touched It Were Healed

Whatever villages or towns or countryside he entered, they laid the sick in
the marketplaces and begged him that they might touch only the tassel on his
cloak; and as many as touched it were healed. --St. Mark 6: 53-56.

3 pm: I just received the February issue of NOR, which stands for the New Oxford Review. It is really something, this magazine. At any rate, there is an article by Alice von Hildebrand. I am falling asleep in my cup of tea. When I wake up, I'll have read the article by Dr. Alice von Hildrebrand, one of my heroes...

after 8pm: O.K., I did not take a nap, and I did not read, but I cooked up a storm. I am too worn out to read. I loved today's Gospel, as it is our Lord who heals. I went to a healing Mass last spring with Sister Briege McKenna, and she made sure everyone present that day knew that only Jesus heals. We are all in need of healing, and just when we are healed of one thing, something else crops up. Healing and being saved are connected; I'll try to think about that one some more.

We had a big day today. The children learned alot, and so did I. I am really enjoying doing the K-12 language arts (Maggie is doing 7th grade and JB is doing 4th). They had to test to find their appropriate grade level. My intuition was correct, yet I was glad for these tests. Before signing off for prayers and bed, I want to mention Maggie's excellent science text. It is Exploring Creation with General Science by Dr. Jay L. Wile, copyright 2000 by Apologia Educational Ministries. We also love CHC (Catholic Heritage Curriculum) and Seton for science, as well as a few things I found on the Adoremus Books website. We started using Seton's excellent history texts/worktexts on American history for all three children (1, 3 and 8) in January, and these would be wonderful for any Catholic family, homeschooling or not. Here is Seton media link: http://www.setonbooks.com/

I hope I did not bury my Magnificat in one of my piles. I also hope I do not seem prideful in writing this. It is my intention, as I see with many "bloggers," to inform and edify, and, at times, amuse and delight. May the Peace of the Lord be with you!

The Habit of Being

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

God put this book, The Habit of Being, in my hands during a very difficult time in my life. It is a collection of Flannery O' Conner's letters which shows her wit and sense of humor. In the summer of 2002, I was diagnosed with Addison's disease (which ended up being an incorrect diagnosis) and O'Conner's strength of character inspired me to persevere in spite of crippling fatigue. Like many books I love, I gave it away. Now, as I attempt to discern God's will for my life, I recall the comfort I first experienced upon realizing that God works wonders through those who persevere in faith.

I have here on my nightstand a gem of a magazine, Magnificat. Part of the evening prayer is from Psalm 127 and it is one to be mindful of in any endeavor, but most particularly for us homeschoolers:

If the Lord does not build the house,
in vain do its builders labor;
if the Lord does not watch over the city,
in vain does the watchman keep vigil.

In vain is your earlier rising,
your going later to rest,
you who toil for the bread you eat:
when he pours gifts on his beloved when they slumber.

Mary Flannery O'Conner understood grace. I am no theologian, but, like her, I have experienced the laughter and joy that comes from being in full communion with our merciful Redeemer. I was seized by her short stories when I was in college. Oddly, even though I was from the South, my roommate, Sophie, from Connecticut, introduced me to FOC. Reading "Everything that Rises Must Converge" was like having a bucket of cold water dumped on my head. I had this inkling that what was wrong with man was not so much societal as it was an interior thing -- that something was broken inside of man that could not be fixed. I realized that society could never free itself from racial prejudice or murder or plain ole loneliheartedness as long as the heart of man stayed the same. At the same time, I had missed O'Conner's answer. Her answer was not just her faith, albeit a steady faith she had. Her answer was Mother Church. Her answer involved the steady and steadfast reception of all seven sacraments.

I am glad I took the time to wonder about FOC's vigorous stories. Her art planted a seed in me. FOC was a holy woman. She loved her sweet Savior and rejoiced in her salvation. She did not use such language. Why did she not? Why was she not overt in stating her confidence in Catholicism. All the gifts of the Holy Spirit were present in her daily writing and in her daily living. She was like C.S Lewis when he wrote Screwtape Letters (please see Joseph Pearce's encouraging book, C.S. Lewis and the Catholic Church). She wrote a defense of the Faith by demonstrating humanity in it's loss of true religious practice. Wormwood and his minions are all over FOC's characters. They are all broken with no Eucharist to fill them.

There is no substitute for the Holy Eucharist. God so yearns to fill us with His love, and it is a great mystery that He does not force Himself upon us.