Thanks be to God I did not get my way.

There are so many times, looking back, that I am thankful to God that I did not get my way. As my husband and I grow closer -- we are about to celebrate fourteen years of marriage -- I think he would agree that this would be true for many of our mutual desires and aspirations, as well. So, let's get down to some specifics. During the year 1999-2000, I entered the RCIA program at our parish dedicated to St. Andrew. I also enjoyed teaching three year olds at our parish preschool where Maggie, then three (and not in my class!) and, Joy-Beth, eighteen months, also attended. It was a relaxed schedule, three days a week from 9:00 a.m. to 12:30. We came home and ate lunch and all sacked out for a big nap. The next year was my neophyte year (the first year as a full-fledged Catholic), and I began to stress out about schooling and religion. I wanted the girls to go from K-12 to Catholic school, preferably on the same campus for all these years. Pinecrest Acedemy fit the bill, but it was far from our neighborhood and so very expensive.

So, I started lobbying the grandparents, hard, I might add. They were to be the patrons of this plan -- why would they not? Jerry and I spent alot of time writing the application, taking the girls to interviews and, to some success, we received support from the grandparents. Our children were accepted and we were set -- God and his lovely orthodox school would handle the rest! (And, a lovely, holy place Pinecrest remains to this day.)

God had other plans for us. We were to experience a "personal 9-11" right about the time of the New York event. I had become very sick after Jay's delivery in February of 2001. The summer before Maggie was to start kindergarten and Joy-Beth was to begin PK-4 at Pinecrest I was a very sick woman. I was pale and cold, incredibly cold. I was sluggish and yearned to rest. I kept saying that if I could just sleep for a month, I'd snap back to my normal, energetic self. God allowed tragedy to unfold in our family during the months that ensued, beginning that summer. I still get choked up revisiting this painful time.

The end result was that we had to pull back. Maggie finished the year at Pinecrest thanks to the generosity of friends who could drive when I could not. Joy-Beth left Pinecrest and was taken back at our parish preschool. My friend Teresa bought a car seat for her at a garage sale and became chaffeur to Joy-Beth during Mommy's prolonged illness. Mommy and Daddy soldiered on the best they could in the face of disaster. We clung to our faith. We both begged the Lord's presence, and, as always (eternally, in fact), He did not fail us.

There is more, so much more. Enough writing for now. I am grateful for the pain because it helped us to grow stronger.

Sweet Virgin Mary, hold my hand, take me to your Son who wants to embrace us even in our misery, especially in our misery. Mother of God, protect us from bitterness, lighten our load and teach us to make our hearts like unto your own Immaculate Heart. AMEN

Festival of Planets

I was just reading my journal and saw where, this time last year, we were heading to the library to check out books for our International Fair. Maggie chose Vietnam, Joy-Beth chose Ireland and Jay, much to everyone's delight created a make-believe country called "Jinga"

Now we are off to the library for a Sullivan family "Festival of Planets".

Awesome Poem

"If" by Rudyard Kipling
IF.....
IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,'
Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

Surprise blessings

I think everyone struggles with how to balance planning/scheduling and being open to the surprise blessings God has in store for us. My arthritis does not permit us to sign up for 1,001 activities, so, it is often the case that I am "winging it". Older people and people with disabilities often know the pleasure of seeing each day as a gift. Of course, this is a generalization, but we, in the above category, tend to not get too attached to human planning. This is a good thing as it allows us to pray more and be open to what the Holy Spirit wills to bring us. I do make plans, set goals, and, like everyone, I love it when things run smoothly, and good plans stay on course. My big "ah-ha" is that this happens only through prayer. Our plans are carried off when they are a response to God in prayer.

When I get around to figuring out how to post photos on this blog, I will post some photos from our outings with Father James, our new friend. He is a dedicated priest who lives in loving service to our Lord. He is travelling, for the first time, away from his country of birth, Ghana. What a blessing he is to our family!

Thank you Mother Mary for your gentle guidance, your loving embrace and your power to encourage us in prayer. Often, sweet and holy Mother, we do not ask for enough. Help us to be at peace with our commitments, knowing that you will go to your Son, who is God, and He will give us grace sufficient for the tasks at hand. In Christ name, I pray, Amen.

What a woman!

Today I really needed some inspiritation. I am having one of those "too-many-irons-in-the-fire" moments. What a treasure is our faith! I am working on publishing a blog for our homeschool moms reading group and also for our family's learning/planning journal. I do not like to overschedule my family. We get stressed more easily than some and need lots of time outdoors, time to pray, to talk, to cook, to play with and tend to our animals and to work on projects in the home, garden and community. I want to keep the academics "small but strong," so as to maximize retention and solid communications skills. We have the gifts of music, math, science, religion, history and the arts in this family. I see us learning well when we do not spend too much time seeing these areas as separate subjects. There is clearly a time for this, in particular, with older students and adults.
So, I know this (click for full bio:) beautiful woman will pray for me. Blessed Maria Romero, pray for the Sullivans and pray for all families who strive to live lives of truth, beauty and goodness!

God's Secret Agents

I was asked last night, at a Fourth of July gathering, in which period of history would I least like to have lived? Because I am reading this book, I answered, "Elizabethan England."

A little reflection on Corpus Christi

We are cleaning the house, purging curriculum and getting very excited about our educational and spiritual goals for the coming "school year". I want to reflect a bit so as to remind myself not to get too caught up in the academics. It is easy for me to take on too much because I love to read, I love books and many subjects fascinate me. I love the pursuit of knowledge and deepening my own learning. This often leads to serendipity. Serendipity is the gift of being able to make delightful discoveries by pure accident. On a spiritual level, serendipity in prayer leads to an increase in all seven gifts of the Holy Spirit (wisdom, understanding, counsel, knowledge, fortitude, piety and the gift of the fear of the Lord -- a.k.a. awe). In a sense, we control nothing. Everything is from God and everything is pure gift. To know this is to strive for humility and our current culture is lacking in grace because it lacks humility. I spent four years in the ivy league and, while there is a lot of pleasure and learning being pursued, one must ask, to what end is all this self-gratification and learning?

***

This past year has reinforced an idea that I have grappled with for as long as I can remember: we retain what we have learned by putting our learning into practice. We are not doing any service to God or neighbor when we hide our lights. We must communicate our learning. We must apply our learning. We must share our gifts.

***

Years ago my friend, Mary-Gay, introduced the children and I to Sculpey. It is a polymer clay that is available in a wide array of colors. You mold it and bake it, and it comes out of the oven beautifully glazed. We buy it from time to time and alot of Sculpey dabbling gets thrown in the trash, but, this year, the kids started making fake food out of it. Then, while Maggie was hitting the books, the two younger children came up with an elaborate game with the Sculpey food. They created two restaurants, various menus, and role played a variety of scenarios with interesting customers and employees. I was often a customer at "Elizabeth's Deli and Bakery" and the food and service was lovely! We discussed the other customers who frequented their businesses. The bills were elaborate and, of course, you could pay by cash, check or credit card!

I am going to cut this post into my homeschooling journal which I started last August. It really is a tricky business balancing the planned work with what Elizabeth Foss (click on this for more info: Real Learning) and others call "rabbit trails". A huge bonus to home education is all the real-life learning that goes on. You can surround yourself with the finest music and literature, the most rigorous and logical math, science and history. Grammar, reading and writing (and pre-writing) can be bundled into role play, notebooking and, yes, even housework and play time. We get outside alot which is something we have loved all along.

Someone told me that home educators who use various curriculum are called "mixers". I thought this was funny as I was a bartender in Nashville, Tennessee, when I was in graduate school. The analogy is good. You can get too much of a good thing both ways; and, one goal for me is to strive to pray harder for my children so that I strike a good balance between planned work and "rabbit trails". Discerning their gifts and talents and encouraging them to pray is something that must be budgeted in to the work week. We enjoy praying together and do it throughout the day. We pray with Dad when he comes home. When I remember, we ask Dad to pray with us in the morning.

Like an oreo cookie, we are the filling and prayer is the two pieces of cookie. We sandwich our efforts in prayer and the good Lord and His most Blessed Mother will iron out the kinks. That has been my experience for years now, not just in homeschooling. I am not in charge of the vocations of my children. God has this in His loving care. I am an instrument to be used. I must be willing to do as John the Baptist did; I must be willing to decrease my ego and my life so that the young may flourish in the working of the Holy Spirit.

***

My last reflection involves the role of the Sullivan family in our parish community and larger society. This needs prayer and attention. It is hard to balance all the needs and goals here at home with what must also be done outside the home. In my experience, homeschooling families are gems when it comes to lovingly reaching out to their neighbors (We were encouraged to "take the leap" in good part due to other hschooling families -- Alleluia!). We carry Christ Jesus in our hearts, and He encourages us to reach out. We did this, by the grace of God. I know He blessed and increased our small efforts. I also know that the harder we strive to do God's will, the harder the bad angels pummel us. This is a mystery of faith and has to do with the fact that much has been given to us so much (battling) is expected of us. We Catholics possess the weapon against the fallen angels, the world and our own sinful flesh-- and that is the Eucharist. The Eucharist is the summit, the peak of God's saving Love, and the other 6 sacraments are fully intertwined in the gift of Jesus's Body and Blood.

Dear Jesus, be with us this summer as we make our preparations for the coming year of living, loving and learning. I ask this through the intercession of the most Immaculate Heart of Mary. All praise be to Him who started a good work in all of us and will give us the grace we all need to live out our vocations on earth. Amen

When something old gets a new use

It can be such a good thing when something old gets a new use. By the grace of God, I have a week off this week because my children are in all-day Summer CCD at our parish. I am making a thorough cleaning/de-cluttering of the house. I am trying to decide what stays and what goes. I also want to take some old things and make new uses of them, like this big oak entertainment center we have in our bedroom that I bought when I was in graduate school in Nashville.

As often happens to me when I do housework, I think of correlations to the spiritual life. God wants to make good use of us. He wants us to routinely clean our consciences (confession) and keep us a new creation in Him. I have been reading about the temperaments again; and, by the way, I initially got myself wrong !?! I am a dominate sanguine and (I think) a secondary melancholic. The point being that God does not want me to completely deny my old self. He made me and He did a good job the first go 'round. It was I who strayed, not He. I realize that my easy-going, "life-0f-the party" tendency has the potential to put others at ease and the Lord wants to use this. He wants me to battle the flip side of this, which is to be flighty and easily distracted.

So, in that vein, I am back to my cleaning. I'd love to stay and chat but I know the good Lord wants me attacking my clutter. God bless anyone who takes the time to read this. Please pray for me!!!

Fair weather, nasty necks and good reads

I am reading this book, have already given it to my friend Rachel as a b-day gift, and hope others will read it because....hold onto your pants (or skirt)....it is utterly orthodox. It is a TAN book married to Erma Bombeck. It borders as an "occasion of sin," but, I would argue, less so than living in the world does, because, as you are reading this, you are thinking (thinking, what a concept, in this day and age !?!). And, the authors give us much to think about.

Due to the loving interest of my friend Rachel (the one with the 29th b-day a few days back (: ), I am also going to consider eliminating these foods from my diet in my ongoing attempt to reduce the chronic pain and inflammation that I live with. I have fibromyalgia and lots of painful arthritis, including disc disease in my cervical spine -- literally, a "pain in the neck". Several weeks back, I began the most effective treatment heretofor at this clinic in Marietta, Georgia.

I am enjoying the fair weather here in Georgia, while it lasts. We are wrapping up certain homeschooling activities and gearing up for some fun summer learning. Joy-Beth is looking forward to going to a 3o-day math camp this summer -- not!!! She is sitting here as I write this and we are both ready for a break from math. Next semester we will tackle Saxon 5/4, but, first, the pool.

The Painted Veil

Last Friday, I finally rejoined my neighborhood book club to discuss the novel by Somerset Maugham, The Painted Veil.* It was a fine evening -- full of interesting discussion, good food and drink, and warm with laughter.

*Here is link: http://www.amazon.com/Painted-Veil-W-Somerset-Maugham/dp/0307277771.

I have two university degrees in literature and used to consume fiction like water, but, upon my conversion, I switched over to nonfiction. I was hungry to catch up on all the missed catechises. I delved into Church history, the lives of the saints and spiritual classics. I re-read some of Flannery O'Connor's short stories, but loved her letters and the transcripts of some of her speeches collected in a volume called The Habit of Being. I read Walker Percy's essays and made a stab at one of his novels, but fiction was hard for me. I read some of John Cheever's stories and a few stories by Evelyn Waugh. If it were not for this book club, I think I would have given up on novels altogether.

I loved Maugham's novel. While he was not a practicing Catholic, it is a Catholic book because it expresses the absolutes; it moralizes. Many writers of fiction these days are the literary equivalent of radio's "shock jocks". Trashy people doing trashy things sells. Sin is glamorized. A fine work of fiction, like compelling music, takes us through the hills and valleys of some one's life, and leaves us changed. Real hope is expressed in art that describes the enormous capacity for change that every life holds. That, to me, is the problem with alot of modern and "postmodern" art and literature -- it is hopeless.

A story does not have to have a positive outcome or "happy ending" to express theological hope. In fact, O'Connor's work often stumps people -- what was that about??? She said something to the effect that, for the spiritually blind, one had to paint in bold strokes. I think she saw her stories as being like a jolting shot of espresso, a wake up call to an America that was flushing itself down the toilet. She practiced her faith faithfully and with her entire being. Her every waking moment was prayerful and recollected. Her stories, which I first read in college, made me want to know more about the writer behind the words. Her artistry planted a seed in me, planted a series of questions that emerged...something like this: "What is wrong with man that he is capable of such evil? what is wrong with me that I can have everything in the world and still not feel satisfied? is God real? did God really live and breathe and suffer as a man? and, if so, why would he do such an incredible thing?"

Slowly, over the course of a year, from 1999-2000, these questions were answered and other questions emerged. Other answers mercifully emerged too, and I was a goner. I was in love. I was in love with the Catholic faith, and with God's answer to the problem of being human --Mother Church and her seven sacraments. I confessed my sins and climbed the mountaintop of the Holy Eucharist, ate God and wondered how I'd gone a second without such Love burning in my heart. Over the years since my conversion, I have shed many tears of joy and sorrow, but I am alive in faith where, before, I was dead in the world. Like the opium-stoned painted Chinese lady in The Painted Veil, I lived for years as a "kept woman," kept captive by worldly pleasures and enticements. Mother Church offers the only truly alternative culture. Her teachings are sound and her guidance is loving. To retreat from our sin is liberating. It is risky and daring and never a "done deal". It is full of hope.

Here is a quote and bio that I took from mycatholic.com:

Withdraw your heart from the world before God takes your body from it.
– St. John of Avila

St. John of Avila (1499-1569)Born to a wealthy family, John gave his
fortune to the poor. A Jesuit priest, he preached throughout Spain. He was the
spiritual director of St. Teresa of Avila and three other saints.

To blog or not to blog

It has been 10 days since my last post; and, we have been so busy living that I am not writing much. I attended my third Christ Renews His Parish CRHP ("Chirp") retreat this past weekend and experienced some amount of post-Chirpdom depression most of the week. The kids have been great and their work inspires me to pray harder and work harder. We ordered new books by mail; we love Adoremus Books. Times are hectic and noisy, yet here at our home, we often do not feel the hustle and bustle of the world. Cutting off from cable television four years ago has made such an improvement in our quality of life. I mostly watched A&E, HGTV and EWTN, but now I read more, cook more and talk to my friends and family more. I think I am more open to having people over as well, cause I cannot flip on the t.v. for company. And, yes, I love being invited over to my friends' houses. I am blessed to have so many friends. Some are active in homeschooling. I am often socializing with children, which I love. That being said, my husband and I are overdue for a date night.

I am always in need of being more organized. The reason I should blog more is that it will help me manage me-- and, trust me, I am very unruly <:! My Catholic faith is such a true friend to me. Receiving the Lord in the Holy Eucharist, being absolved in public in the confessional, "Son-bathing" at Adoration and clinging to traditional devotions like the Rosary and the Saints.....all these facets of Jesus's Ecclesia are deeply personal to me and make me strive to live life for Heaven. I am constantly falling short of this goal, but the goal is very clear. I think the children, in their untainted way, really understand what living their lives for God means. They understand this because they understand who Jesus is, why He came and what He came to do. I hope these blessed days will remain in them. I pray that these days are like money in the bank, spiritually speaking that is.

I semi-regularly visit this blog: http://happycatholic.blogspot.com/2007/04/fine-art-friday_27.html and, I was so excited to find this video with one of my favorite contemporary Christian singers, Sara Groves:

http://www.glyphnet.com/jeremiah/JeremiahLarge.html

And, look at this amazing Cathedral in, of all places, West Virginia: http://www.socalpix.com/wheelinglarge/index.html

May God bless anyone who takes the time to read all of these ramblings. Like the "happy Catholic," I too may not always be happy, but I am so happy and blessed to be Catholic. It is truly a case of His body and blood enlivening my weak and sin-prone flesh.

"Domine, quo vadis?"

St. Francis of Assisi prayer:
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where
there is injury, pardon;where there is doubt,
faith;where there is despair, hope;where there is darkness, light;where there is sadness, joy;
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be
consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to
love.
For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are
pardoned; and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

I joked with my friend Sara (and no, I was not talking to myself...) that I had "blogged and burned". We have been really busy preparing for our TORCH dramas. Joy-Beth was in Pinocchio this last Saturday, and Maggie will act in The Hobbit this weekend. I will creep out of my blog slacking with the above prayer. It is one of my favorite prayers.

The prayer of the month of March was "Domine, quo vadis?" "Lord, where are you going?" The children and I prayed this from our hearts. We are really trying to follow Him. Our Lord Jesus Christ asks alot of us, but His companionship is so sweet. We are so blessed with the families in our homeschooling co-op; the cooperation we have experienced in this group brings our religion to life. Our Catholic faith is beautiful. It is lived. I pray after taking the Eucharist, "Lord, I am in You and You are in me." As a convert, I experience Holy Mother Church and her children as my family. All persons are God's children, and, I believe that when the Lord met Peter leaving Rome that day, He was yet again revealing to a besieged and suffering humanity (through this encounter with the very human St. Peter) that God became man to suffer with him. He encouraged Peter to turn around, walk back in to Rome and be brutally killed on a cross in close imitation of his Savior. Peter did not have to follow Him back. He could have kept walking and returned at a safer time. Our Catholic faith is not about safety. It is sometimes about comfort. It is often risky. It is always about Love.